I’ve attended Impact Life Church since I was 13 years old. To me being a good Christian means to read my bible daily, going for Worship Experiences, attending Life Group and mission trips without fail.
While all these were good things, I didn't realize how I equated activities to my identity. I thought I knew better since I’ve been in church for more than a decade.
Sadly, slowly over the years, unbeknownst to me, my heart was gradually becoming hardened.
I didn't realise how prideful I was until a Cambodia Mission Trip two years ago. I found myself dreading the daily debriefs with Pastor Daniel Cheo and the leaders because I didn’t have anything amazing to report. And, I couldn’t be genuinely happy for what God was doing around me in the lives of others.
All I heard were the voice of condemnation, telling me that I was not performing well.
At the end of the Cambodia trip, I asked my Life Group Member, who was on her first Mission Trip, how she felt about the trip.
She responded with so much faith in God, and upon hearing how much faith she has in God, I started tearing.
After this trip, I realised in my preoccupation with wanting to leave others with a good impression of me, I had completely left God out of the picture, even on the mission field! On hindsight, it’s ironic how I thought I could produce supernatural works without being plugged into His Spirit.
I started questioning why I thought the way I did as I knew something was very wrong with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I also found myself comparing with others who were sharing praise reports and comparing my Life Group with others.
Slowly, I stopped meeting my members for discipleship regularly as I was fearful.
Subsequently, over the years, I started becoming bitter about many things and life. I knew that I was spiraling downwards but I couldn't control it.
I didn't know what was wrong and I kept trying to fix things my way.
I kept trying to do the “right” Christian things but my outcome was still the same, I was still bitter and dead on the inside.
At the beginning of this year, I finally decided to meet my Zone Leader Becky.
I decided to tell her everything that I've been feeling.
During our second meeting, I thought Becky would help solve all my problems, instead she just shared the gospel with me again.
She told me why Jesus died for me.
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever who believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
- John 3:16
Upon hearing what she said, I teared.