I came from a Buddhist family and since young, I looked to other people for reassurance and invested lots of time in friendships because my family members were always very busy and did not spend time with me.
In 2017, my teacher invited me to church. On that very day, I decided to give my life to Jesus. I had been to other churches before but when I stepped in to Impact Life Church, I felt that it was very different from the other churches that I had attended. The people were friendly so I decided to stay here.
In 2018, when it was time to sign up for Basic Ministry Training (BMT), I hesitated to go for it as I felt that I was not good enough to serve because I had only been in church for a short period of time. I shared my worries to my then Life Group member, Cleo, and she told me that if I kept focusing on the thought that I wasn’t ready, I would never be ready. I thought about it and realised I had nothing to lose so I signed up for it.
I first aimed to be in the usher ministry for selfish reasons and was confident I would get my first choice. I was utterly disappointed when I was posted to the production ministry instead. To make things worse, I found out that another Life Group member had been allocated as an usher.
I was angry and so fixated on becoming an usher that I felt that the church had made a mistake because production had not been one of my choices.
I told my Life Group leader, Jing Ting, about it and she explained about how God has placed me there for a reason. However, production to me was still just boring and all about the technical stuff. I opted to change my ministry, but I was encouraged to give it a try.
It started out pretty exciting, but my feelings wore off. I disliked serving because as a stage manager, I had to be alert and aware of constant changes happening on stage. I got distracted and was not able to fully worship God while serving.
I shared my troubles to Jordan Heng, a fellow stage manager. He simply asked: “Why do you feel this way?”. I did not know how to answer and felt that his question was not useful. But honestly speaking - I knew how I felt. I had condemning thoughts that I was not good enough and was not cut out for serving in the production ministry. Instead of taking those thoughts captive, I entertained them and believed that that was exactly who I was.
Serving was supposed to be a joy, but instead, I dreaded it.
I soon lost interest and the heart to serve. I wanted people to know I served. The compliments satisfied me, and I craved for more and more. My relationship with my church friends suffered as I constantly compared myself with others who seemed better than me. I also condemned myself for making mistakes, even if they were small and minor.
Shame also overwhelmed me as I knew that serving was supposed to be for God but I was merely doing it for show.
I was asked to serve on the last day of Radical Conference this year. I hesitated and Jordan asked "why" but I could not give an answer. Jing Ting then came by and asked me the same question. However, I did not know what to say. I finally shared that I felt I was not fit to be in production as I did not know much and how I thought I always lagged behind. This made me doubt whether I was ready to serve at such a big event.
Jing Ting encouraged me to go to God and ask Him about my own purpose here in production. However, I did not listen to her. I still served for the last day of Radical Conference feeling empty and overwhelmed.
During one Worship Experience when I saw the other production members worshipping and I teared up at the sight of it. I was frustrated and angry at how my fellow serving members could experience God so clearly but I couldn’t. It felt so unfair that they seemed to be able to praise God while I struggled to do so.
It was then that God began to show me a new perspective. I was caught up in the lie that I was insignificant as a stage manager. I was so fixated on how good I looked while serving but missed the whole point of serving which is to bring glory to God.
Even when I believed that God had made a mistake in placing me in the production ministry, He opened my eyes to see that there was more to my role than just passing a microphone.
He revealed that I had the privilege of seeing how He made things happen behind the scenes.
I used to be stubborn and I felt that I could handle all my problems on my own.
To serve God, I needed a heart which wants to serve Him wholeheartedly, not for fame or for show but to impact His people.
Therefore, I decided to lay down my pride and let God have His way with me.
Now, I enjoy serving. I have come to recognise that whatever I do plays a part in building God’s kingdom and He did not make a mistake in placing me in production. I enjoy seeing people praise God and I am proud to be a part of that.
Sometimes, I will still struggle with thoughts that I am not good enough. Struggles are part of this journey but what matters is that we choose to run to God in spite of what we feel or think.