I was invited to Youth Impact in 2016 by a friend. I liked the culture of youth impact and decided to stay because the community around me made me feel welcome. I grew in knowing about God and wanted to serve Him.
In my first year here, It didn’t matter what role I was given - I would give my best because I wanted to expand God’s kingdom, know Him more and be used by Him. As I served more, I did not keep watch over my heart and got caught up in the doing. Because of this, volunteering in church and helping people felt more like a chore to fulfill.
During this period, a group of friends outside introduced me to pornography. This opened a desire in me, and wanting to fit in, I continued watching pornography. No knew about this part of me in church. Whenever someone mentioned about lust and pornography, I would tense up and deny any associations with it. I was so caught up in the doing that it became my identity. Because of pride, I didn’t want people in life group to know my struggles.
There was a lot of shame and guilt and these thoughts tormented me. Condemnation kept piling up and eventually, I gave up fighting for breakthrough.
This condemnation made me see less of myself as a child of God, and my identity continued to be built on serving. Shame and guilt kept growing inside of me and the sense of hopelessness gripped me. It got so bad to the point where I became totally numb and couldn’t experience God anymore. Last year, I wanted to just give up my relationship with God and leave the church. I was angry at God for not helping me. A lie in my head said that if I left the church, everything would be better. Still, I could not bring myself to be honest with the state of my heart.
Despite me wanting to give up, the community around me didn’t give up on me.
Instead, it was my life group members who constantly checked on me.
Last year in YI camp, I remembered how my leaders shared deeply about their own personal struggles and stories to our life group, and that gave me the courage to be vulnerable. It was when I decided to share and confess to my friends about my struggle with lust.
2019 has been a recovery year for me. Through discipleship, God corrected the mistruths that I believed in. I was convicted not to compromise my relationship with God and fight this battle by proclaiming God’s truth over my life daily.
I was convicted not to compromise my relationship with God and fight this battle by proclaiming God’s truth over my life daily.
As I heard the sermon about keeping our heart soft just last week, God spoke to me that I am walking in the right direction, but I still need to keep my heart soft and not grow complacent. I saw how not keeping my heart in check on a daily basis destroyed me from the inside as my heart hardened from the lies the enemy placed in. As we sang the song Living Hope during the altar call, I boldly declared God’s promises over my life. God has been a faithful father who has walking with me this whole journey and He will always complete what He has started.