In May 2017, when my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant, we were pleasantly surprised as it was unplanned.
But our surprised soon turned into confusion when the doctors said they couldn’t detect the foetus.
After undergoing a series of blood tests and scans, the doctor confirmed this was an ectopic pregnancy – foetus growing in the fallopian tube instead of the womb.
I underwent surgery to remove the foetus from my fallopian tube and I remembered praying to God, asking Him to be with me every step of the way.
My gynae said I was fortunate to save my fallopian tube because in many cases, most women discovered too late and their fallopian tube needs to be removed.
Subsequently, I fell into depression. I started blaming myself for not being healthy, and even resorted to deleting all my social media accounts because I didn’t want to see people having babies. For I fear not having a child of my own.
I began questioning God as I didn’t understand why would He allow such things to happen? But He was silent.
Throughout the whole ordeal, my husband and lifegroup were there to support and encourage me. They reminded me that God is still good, even if we don’t seem to understand our situation now.
Even though God didn’t give me answers, He wasn’t done with me yet. Last year, I decided to join the Host ministry in Church. As I served, God began exposing my fears and insecurities. I realised He was with me more than I thought and He wanted me to mature in Him.
While reading Genesis, I was deeply encouraged by Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah. God blessed Sarah with a child even though it was impossible. I felt comforted knowing that nothing is impossible for God! If God wants me to have children, He will definitely make it happen. I knew God was speaking to me as I made room for Him in my heart.
As I made the decision to surrender all my fears to God, immediately, I felt my fears disappeared! After 1.5 years, I was liberated for my fears and struggles, and I no longer find myself crying alone in the middle of the night. I experienced freedom!
Indeed, with God, truly nothing is impossible.
You can be healed from your deepest pain and fears.
My heart has been transformed. I now know that it is all in God’s good timing. As long as it is His will, I’ll have a child regardless of the circumstances. I’ve also resolved that I’ll hold on to Him, regardless of whether He gives me children or not.
As God worked in my heart, He also began to breathe hope and courage to want a baby again.
Through this journey, I saw how easy it was to lose sight of joy, hope, and our sense of purpose when things do not go our way. Till this day, I still don’t understand why God allowed the miscarriage to happen.
But looking back, I realised that this incident has brought me a long way and deepened my faith in Him.
Even if He seemed silent during my lowest period, He was always there in the valleys with me. In retrospect, I see His fingerprints all over my journey, and He sent a strong army of supporters to go through this period with me.