I loved planning schedules and putting things in order; this gave me a sense of control and security in life.
I’d bury myself in work, pack my schedules over the years. Gradually, even the things I used to enjoy (my job, serving in Impact Life Church etc.) no longer brought me joy. It simply became a routine and a chore. It became so bad that my brother had to tell my leaders that I needed a break.
Through discipleships, my Lifegroup Leader helped me to understand that the root of my problems was that I did not trust God. I was afraid that God would abandon me. That’s why I needed full control and assurance for my life.
One night, while worshipping alone, the words of a song spoke so clearly to me:
"I will look up for there is none above You
I will bow down to tell You that I need You...
I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead, believing You are able"
At this moment, I realized that my God was the same God who guided me through my entire life!
At that very moment, I remembered all the instances where God has provided for me.
Instances where He provided me with my current job in a research institute doing research and engineering (which I’ve grown to love and enjoy!), gave me favour with my supervisors, allowing me to go for Lifegroup every week despite having night classes and many, many more!
As His faithfulness began to fill my mind. I understood that I was never alone. The people around me always supported me in different ways.
God has the best track record. Never once has He failed me.
2 Tim 2:13 says 'if we are faithless, He remains faithful— for He cannot deny Himself.’ Faithfulness is who He is.'
My faith should be placed in God's character and not the situation I’m in. Because my circumstantial faith constantly made me worried and tired.
Pastor Daniel mentioned last week that between every mountain of provision is a valley of decision.
I knew I had to make a decision to trust God, and this decision cannot be sustained by just having one revelation. I had to make a daily choice to seek God and put my trust in Him.
There were many times where I still became overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities, but that is when my community has helped spur me on.
Sometimes we think faith means absolute certainty, but it’s not true!
In life, there will always be doubts. But when faced with doubts, we can either let it eat us up, or use it as a tool to strengthen our faith.
After all that has happened, I learnt that when I choose to walk with God through my doubts, He used them to shape my character and develop my faith.
Without this process of molding, I wouldn't have understood that for my life to truly be in order, God has to be the Lord of my life; not my circumstances, and not my hopes and dreams. If I haven't gone through this process, I wouldn't have the same capacity to carry God's promises and do the things that He has called me to do!
Now at my workplace, my boss has given me so much favour. In ministry at church, even though I have no background in video production, God has given me the ability to figure out the technical stuff.
But what is most amazing is that while I thought that going overseas to do my Masters was the best plan, God had better plans for me. Just a few months ago, I was offered a new job, and my boss there offered me a Masters that would be fully paid for.
Choosing to trust God with my life has given me a peace that I never had before. I don't have to depend on myself, or worry about losing control over my life anymore.
Through this journey, I have come to know what Proverbs 16:9 means when it says,
"A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps."
Our lives are in the hands of a loving Father who cares for us. Let us not place our trust in our own methods and wisdom, but place our trust in God alone.